I do not know what God has been doing to me lately but I feel like I am on a roller coaster going 150mph. I am not even going to lie. I want to be honest here. I get mad at God. At this point in my life, I do not know what I think about him? I know I believe in him. I know that I believe Jesus died for my sins but trusting God with my whole heart, I am not in that place.
I can admit that. I feel as if a lot of Christians are not honest with what they go through that sometimes we miss a chance to witness or have a testimony that can have a true impact because we are not honest.
I respect God but do I love him? That has yet to be determined. I think I can grow to love God but it depends on my faith and how much I seek his face. I use to think that love was instant. in some cases it is and in others no. I had an instant love for God when I was first saved at like fourteen years old but that was at a time where I was innocent and untouched by many things.
fast forward twelve years, I feel like I have been hit by a spiritual bus that came flying out of the spiritual realm with a load of various malicious spirits ready to suck away my hopes and ambitions one sin at a time. Unbelievably I think that this is only the beginning because there are others who go through way more than me.
I should at least be thankful that I am still alive while I am in this limbo. If I were to die I think that I would go to hell. God does not wait for us to make up our minds as I understand.
Lately I have been going through a roller coaster of emotions concerning my walk. It is strange because deep within I feel as if I know what I want to do but I can not get myself to follow. It is like the struggling sands. The harder I try to move or get out, the further I sink.
Some days I try to praise despite my flaws. I am excited because I think that I can actually serve God but then my emotions get in the way. I am back to reality. The problems I have involved myself in a bigger and louder hard to ignore and I do not know how to fight.
This is a battle. Truth is it is hard but not impossible. I will have hope that I can be delivered. Pleaser just say a prayer for me. I will try to share more about this because i think that I know what may be going in my life and I have to break free. The day that this fight becomes impossible is the day I no longer exist in this realm.
