Honesty about God

I do not know what God has been doing to me lately but I feel like I am on a roller coaster going 150mph. I am not even going to lie. I want to be honest here. I get mad at God. At this point in my life, I do not know what I think about him? I know I believe in him. I know that I believe Jesus died for my sins but trusting God with my whole heart, I am not in that place.

I can admit that. I feel as if a lot of Christians are not honest with what they go through that sometimes we miss a chance to witness or have a testimony that can have a true impact because we are not honest.

I respect God but do I love him? That has yet to be determined. I think I can grow to love God but it depends on my faith and how much I seek his face. I use to think that love was instant. in some cases it is and in others no. I had an instant love for God when I was first saved at like fourteen years old but that was at a time where I was innocent and untouched by many things.

fast forward twelve years, I feel like I have been hit by a spiritual bus that came flying out of the spiritual realm with a load of various malicious spirits ready to suck away my hopes and ambitions one sin at a time. Unbelievably I think that this is only the beginning because there are others who go through way more than me. 

I should at least be thankful that I am still alive while I am in this limbo. If I were to die I think that I would go to hell. God does not wait for us to make up our minds as I understand.

Lately I have been going through a roller coaster of emotions concerning my walk. It is strange because deep within I feel as if I know what I want to do but I can not get myself to follow. It is like the struggling sands. The harder I try to move or get out, the further I sink.

Some days I try to praise despite my flaws. I am excited because I think that I can actually serve God but then my emotions get in the way. I am back to reality. The problems I have involved myself in a bigger and louder hard to ignore and I do not know how to fight.

This is a battle. Truth is it is hard but not impossible.  I will have hope that I can be delivered. Pleaser just say a prayer for me. I will try to share more about this because i think that I know what may be going in my life and I have to break free. The day that this fight becomes impossible is the day I no longer exist in this realm.

That girl....

You know the one. Yes the one who always has tears running down here face. She has allowed yet another loser to take a piece of her and run with it, Yes, that girl.

We as woman have all fallen victim to it at one point or other. We let the jerks rule over us. I have been having a conversation with God over the past week. He has been dealing with me and showing me about myself and the way that I conduct myself with men.

I am not some uber pious being but I do know when God is teaching me something so I listen when not distracted...... Anyways, I like this guy. common story. I hang out with him and such and such. I like really like him. I was getting butterflies and wanting him to call.Wondering if we could take it to that level of gf and bf. Well here is the deal.

 For some reason he does not call or text. It is always me beginning the conversation. He says he likes me but there is no activity on my phone from him like ever. I began getting a nagging feeling that something was amiss about the situation.

When asked about why he never contacts me, his response was that " I do not like texting or talking on the phone. I really do not talk to anyone on it."

In my opinion he gets a major side eye on this one.

I know for sure that any guy that is interested in a female will pick up that phone and talk. He will show something to say "hey I am interested".

I believe that all woman have a sixth sense about the dealings of men but all of us do not listen to it. It is unfortunate that is so difficult for us women to follow it and leave when we need too. So hey, I do not judge. I am guilty of being that girl.

In this case. I am thankful for years of being mistreated by guys.  Therefore this time I got the signs right away. It is not going to change the fact that I like him and I am attracted  but it is going to let me know how I should proceed. This is where God comes into play. This is where I learn that I have not become stagnant.

While I was mulling over the fact that the guy has not called or anything. God began talking to me. Shocking because I have not had him on the main line all these years. Before I could ask what he was doing back and how nice it was to hear from him. I saw what was being shown.

I was online on one of my gossip sites. lol. if you know me, you would know that is my thang. any who, I came across an article titled "7 signs You're the Obsessive type"about obsessive type people in relationships. I looked around all guilty before I clicked on it. I was not sure if the article pertained to me at that point but it was enough to get my attention.

For inquiring minds I have added the link below.

http://madamenoire.com/66885/7-signs-youre-the-obsessive-type/

Reading through the article, I identified some traits in myself. Not all of them mind you but it had me concerned. I want to be truthful because I believe being true to yourself causes necessary growth and progress.

I identified the most with the physical attraction which means often a woman will establish a physical bond before an emotional. A lot of us go wrong there. Also a lot of us get stuck there.

  Snooping was the next one. I am guilty of it. I have snooped in a phone a time or two. mostly because I did not trust the foo. We all we have been there where we see the phone left on the couch or counter and we think to ourselves it would not hurt to look if he is faithful right? Well more often than not alot of us are let down.

Taking all your mans free time was the next one.  It was actually not liking him having other friends. I do have a jealous streak and I never quite understood why it bothered me when my guy would choose his friends to hang out with over me. I was being too overbearing. It was crazy because I would see myself acting irrational as far as that but I could not change how I felt about it thus ending the relationship.

I have been feeling a shift lately. I feel as if that article was one of the things from God trying to get my attention besides the fact that I recently got crushed by a guy.

I do feel as if there has been some growth in me. I feel as if God is telling me that there are some things that need to be looked at within myself before I can have a conducive relationship. I do not know about you ladies but I am tired of all the games. I am tired of waiting on Mr. Right to find me. I am tired of being that girl.

If you are that girl, I think it is time to look inside and see why we are still single. I am sure most of us are viable, vibrant and beautiful.

More often than not it is something in us that needs to be filled first before God allows someone to step in. I feel as if he does this because he knows that we will be miserable in those relationships without real healing. Leaving us more jacked than we were before we started. I think that God is teaching me a valuable lesson that is still in progress that I can share with a lot of women. I am not perfect and I personally suck as an example but God teaches and speaks.

My heart truly aches for the woman like myself who have that feeling of loneliness. We feel inadequate because some guy does not want us. We are going from one relationship to another but the thing that we need to realize is our self esteem keeps us down as well as a poor image of who we are.

Recently God has been telling me that I am more. He has told me this in the past as I was crying about the last guy but it was lost on me. This time, I actually am starting to believe him and I feel the difference it is making.

I feel stronger. Mind you this is probably going to be a while but at least today I feel stronger. It is a step in the right direction.

 Instead of being that girl, I am going to be this girl. This girl who is strong. This girl who loves God. This girl without a man but whole. This girl who is something.

swirly love

swirly love. swirly lust. swirly thang!

Meaning when you mix two different races together you get the swirl. It is a beautiful thing indeed and it is no secret that your girl right here loves her some white boys!

As long as I can remember and was able to crush, I have been swirling. lol. such a funny word.

My mom would say that it was a phase but this phase has been a ticking for like twenty six years now. I gots to say I still like them like just as much as I did the first time my mom said that! Now do not get me wrong. I admire a fine lookin brotha and I am not opposed to dating one. I have and I still would but for some reason the white boys especially the ones with a little "extra flavor" as I call it get me going.

You know the ones? You see them and know immediately that they got something there.Whether it be in their step, the way they talk or even the way that they look at you! swirly chemistry! ha! I loves it!

So I am asking, in the year 2011 is it ok for an African american, Asian, or even Cauasian person to get their swirl on or is it considered selling out? I know I still get funny looks for my white boy fever but hey (shrugs) I likes what i likes.

What if

It is a complex thing I have with God.

Sigh.

I hate it with a passion. Why is it so hard to follow something you believe in? Is it because my whole heart is not in it? Am I not committed? Even thinking about that rocks my stomach to the core. I know the answer and it is not good enough for me.

I know that I am not following God with my everything. If I were to die today I think that the results would be tragic. There was this video on YouTube called twenty three hours dead. I was skeptical watching it and I still am skeptical but the what if is enough.

In the video which is in a different language and dubbed this girl is told by an angel that she is going to die and get to see heaven and hell.

 I can not remember the video word for word but here is a synopsis.

She is prepared by the holy spirit and Jesus to enter. When the night comes she dies and Jesus takes her into hell. There she says that she sees demons there and they are scurrying and dancing around. They are in a frenzy. she notices that they have darts in their hands. she asks Jesus what they are and he says they are darts for targets which are specifically us. We were the targets. The demons were coming up and throwing the darts which are spiritual in nature and the darts caused issues in our lives.

Next the girl journeys further into hell and sees people she knows carrying bundles on their backs. Jesus says that these are the people on earth that are coming to hell. They were working toward a lifetime of damnation. Then the girl proceeds to ask Jesus if there is anyone there she may know.

The enter area where there is a woman being tortured by of course fire. The girl can not tell immediately but the woman in the fire screaming and being burnt is her grandmother. The girl is shocked and asks why her grand mom is there and Jesus simply tells her is because while on earth she did not forgive. She was in hell because of unforgiveness.

They move on and go to another area and this time is it even more disturbing for me. There is a little kid crying out and being tortured no more than eight years old. The girl says she was so upset and was crying and asked why even the little child is in hell.

Jesus tells her that the little kid disobeyed his parents and would not listen when he was told about Jesus. He was rebellious and did not listen when his father told him to get it inside. he ran from his dad into the street and was hit by a car. He died and ended up going to hell. Jesus tells her the importance of instructing the child about the Holy spirit and God because the children become responsible at a certain age to know about God and his word.

At this point in the video I agreed about what I saw but it was when this part came I may have had some disprecancies.

 Next Jesus took her to a pit where there was a woman who was trying to crawl out. the flames were around here rising and falling. there were also demons throwing arrows at her. The woman was screaming because she was in so much pain. Jesus told her this was the singer Selena who was popular in the nineties.

The woman cries out and tells the girl to warn everyone on the earth about hell and not to listen to her music. Every time her song plays she is tortured even more. They move on from her pit and go to another and see a man this time. He is tortured by flames as well. When the girl looks in this pit, she realizes that it is Michael Jackson. We the audience watching the video then learn that Jackson is in hell because he had made a pact with Satan. He wanted fame and money so he made the exchange for his soul.

The girl explains that the demons also danced the way that Michael did on earth. The were dancing away from the pits backwards almost like the moonwalk in a taunting manner.

I was so shocked and I paused the video to see when it was made. I believe that Jackson died in 2009? I am not sure when the video was made but it looked like it was made several months before he had died. I do not know the truth of the matter but once again the what ifs are scaring me. I thought this all interesting so I wanted to share it.

The last person to be visited in hell was Pope John Paul. Jesus explained that he was there because he was stealing from the church when he was alive. Also he was being worshiped as an idol and worshipping idols. 

They moved on, this time to heaven. Of course the girl felt warm fuzzies there and described it the way that is described in the bible. however the thing that was different was that the flowers seemed as if they were alive and singing praises to Jesus.

She said that the saints were there too and greeted her. The girl said all the saints looked the same but came forward as Jesus called their names. She said Mary came up to her and Jesus spoke and said that please tell people not to worship Mary. She does not even know that they worship her there.

One last point from this video that I want to say is that Jesus at one point says something about a woman's hair. lol. I guess Mary stepped forward and the girl said she noticed a head full of flowing long hair. Jesus told her it is important to take care of your hair a woman. It is a crown of glory and holds some significance. whether it is true or not I told that it was interesting it was said.

so that was the end of the journey for her. She was sent back after twenty three hours dead. There is more detail I missed but I am long winded as it is so I cannot write all of it or I am going to be here all day.

Well I watched that video about two months ago and those are the things that stuck with me. I am hoping that the video is not hundred percent true because to me getting into hell would be as easy as breathing. It scared me to the point that I almost felt hopeless even if I was following God with no reservations.

I like Selena's and Michael Jackson's music. I do not think the video was one hundred but What if...What if....

Update: I found the video for curious inquiring minds so go ahead check it out.

Men.....what more do I have to say?

I do not understand men. I really do not.

 I was ready to pen an open letter to God about the condition of our men in society today but I got busy along the way. I believe it is time to reconsider my efforts...

Here is the situation. I am a young, attractive, successful female in my own right. I am not on the streets. I hold two jobs and I am not crazy (despite what some of my exes might say). I kid. I am normal and absolutely single.

This has pretty been the case for the last four years of my life. Sure I have talked to a bunch of guys but  nothing beyond that. In my opinion guys just do not know how to be gentlemen anymore and they have forgotten the value of courting a young lady as if she is a young lady. Also are going on dates a thing of the past? Did something change and I was not slipped a memo?

I would not say I am desperate but it is getting to the point where I am like something has got to be done. I was told by a certain family member that if " I do not use those eggs by thirty, it is pretty much a done deal." wait what?

I do not know how true it is but that thought is scary. So were they telling me I am four years away from my womb becoming a shriveled prune and all it is going to do is kick out is dust?!

When I usually meet a guy it starts off pleasant enough. He spits game, we exchange numbers yadda yadda ya we go our seperate ways and maybe a day or two later he calls or he does not. simple enough. When a guy does call this is where I can gauge whether or not to bag him as scum or potential. This is where I get frustrated because eighty percent of them do not make it past this point. They have all wanted sex with me! All within the first freaking ten minutes of conversation! This also where I poiltely end the conversation and silently gag inside my soul. Definitely going in my letter to God.

If and when they make it past the telephone, most of them do not want to go on a date. It is something like do you want to hang out or chill. ok sounds nice there is potential for a date then.... They say well I think I should come over your house and you should cook me dinner. huh?

First of all. I do not know you and letting you in my house would be a mistake if you are some pyscho killer who wants to stalk me in the dark while I sleep! excuse we are not at that point yet and that is no way to get to know a lady! Also I take you wanting to come to my house on a first date means you think I am easy. insulting.

I particually like where you are talking to a guy and then he decides all of a sudden that he is not ready for a relationship but you have already invested your emotions. What the guy is really saying is that he does not want a relationship with you.

When a guy does something like that it is a couple of the following things:

* You have completely scared him off with something  you said or did
* your not giving it up
* he has found someone else to be interested in
* or he is just a complete douche

What prompted me to write this was my lastest fiasco.

I had met this guy at a bar. That should have been a red flag there however I call myself tryin to branch out and do something different because I usually meet them everywhere. Even in church I have had some major fails with men.  Anyways, this guy seemed really interested and we have kept in touch throughout the summer. I thought he was a nice guy. He would shower me with the normal comments. your different. I think your pretty. This all makes me want to roll my eyes. I just wanted to try something different.

We had had planned on going to the movies. He asked if that was something I wanted to do and I was like yes but quickly realized that I did not have the funds. I told him this because being the woman that I am, I naturally assume that the guy is not going to pay automatically for me to go, which I was right in this case. I would have still been down to hang out with him had it not been  for his response.

Me: "Oh I would love to see that movie but I am lacking the funds. :( It is kind of sad."

Him: "That sucks"

Him: "Well if you do not have money, you do not have money to do anything."

Me: "Thank you for making that painfully obviously."

He was exed off my list immediately. He did not have to pay for me to go but his response was dumb and rude. He made me know he was not interested. He could have offered to pay or do another activity but of course not. I think he just wanted to hook up. :(

You never know what you are going to get ladies. I have so many stories that go on for days. I think that is what I am going to touch upon because I am in that general mood. more to come but I pormise I will not turn into a man hater. :)

Are mothers truly not whipping there little boys into to shape to treat a woman like the queen she is granted not all women are queens. I think we all need love.

As I sit in the fish bowl

I am in a fish bowl. Literally. I work in a space that is 7ft *7ft so in the sense of the word, I am in a human fish bowl and have been for like the last four years of my life. I get the sinking feeling that I will always be that dazed and confused creature staring out into the world moving all around me and I am confined with no chance to explore and grow.

Obviously I feel as if I am not living to my potential. I am also not the only one that has this opinion. I think that there are millions of people who would express the same sentiment if given the opportunity.

Here it is 2011 and there are people that have growing frustrations over the dealings of the world. Most importantly in America. I think the time for growth and creativity has been stunted somehow. I do not know Gods plan for this world but I feel as if the world could use a pick me up right about now.

So hopefully stayed  tuned today and I am going to try to find some postivity to share. Maybe I will see God work today in his own way to show me that he is still a omnipotent presence in my life.

I would try to climb out of my fishbowl but I only have fins and I do not believe in evolution. So today I will sit here and wait. I will wait as my masters feed me just enough flakes to survive. Also at the same time I will be hoping that by some divine intervention that my tank tips over and a hand saves me and puts me into the ocean so my fishy spirit can soar! lol. Maybe just maybe in that ocean I will fufill my purpose and I will be shown how to fill the void that acts as a fish bowl as well.

Ok I digress. I say Happy Tuesday! Hope, love, faith is what we have. Love is greatest out of all of these. so please love today. Remember me as I sit in a fishbowl. : P

I am coming out!

(clearing throat) I mean... I am coming out as a blogger. :) Now, am I this brillant blogger? Am I the best writer? Can I be crafty, witty, bold with my topics? The answer to that question, I do not know? It remains to be seen but I wanted to take on this journey of becoming a blogger no matter the outcome. At least then I can say I took the bull by the horn and threw that beast across the room no matter how menacing it looked! ha! Now is the time for America and its citizens to live their dreams. With a failing economy, increased restlessness and a failing partnership with the government and it citizens (us). Not that I ever thought it was a fair partnership to begin with but nontheless, we live here its their rules but our lives! If you want to be the next president or astrounaut to the moon go for it! If you think you have what it takes to change the world I highly encourage it because all it takes is one man. God instilled people with certains qualities and gifts to fullfill change all according to his will.  I feel as if our time is coming to a head whether it is two days from now or fifty years. I just want to say I lived my life and blogged! hopefully I can inspire and cause some change in someones life. I am proud to be out as one of the zillion bloggers in the world! Taytacakes is unleashed! lol.